I understand that I'm the problem

People often tell me that my blog reads as though I am a depressed person which is actually pretty far from the truth.  As a person, I'm pretty happy but I often find myself unhappy with the state of my affairs. The life that I have created for myself. 

Let me start by saying that the once exception I have to this general dissatisfaction is my relationship with Ted.  Even though we disagree on just about everything - we make each other pretty damn happy.  If only one person could make someone else happy with their life.

I think most of my general dissatisfaction stems from the fact that I hate my job.  It's no real surprise, I spend a good part of my blogging bemoaning this fact.

Of course, there is a really simple solution for this and there is nothing I wouldn't rather do more than turn in my two weeks. Unfortunately, that doesn't offer me much of a solution.  I'm old and pigeon-holed. And even though he is my husband, I don't want to rely on Ted financially.  It just creates way too much friction than I can handle. Maybe it shouldn't. Maybe in other marriages it doesn't but it does. AND I DON'T WANT THAT.

I just sent in my resume for a position just like mine which sent me into an even deeper depression.  Another job just like this is not going to be the answer to my problem.  It might solve a lot of the issues I have with my current employer but despite these problems the real issue lies within the fact that I am not cut out for this traditional kind of work.

Part of me hates myself for even writing that.  Part of me wonders if I'm just another spoiled brat who fancies herself a creative type simply to avoid the doldrums of the typical 9-5 day that millions of Americans are suffering through at this very moment.  And to a certain extent, this is absolutely true.

But if I just wanted out, I could get out.  BUT I want, and more importantly, I need more.

And it isn't about money or prestige - I would fetch water if  I was working for something I believed in. If I was learning. While I'm not in a financial position where I don't have to work, I am in a financial position where I can work for a lot less than I currently make. I'm in a place where I could take a leap of faith but I don't know where to look for the opportunity. I don't know who to ask for help.

Additionally, I'm exhausted.  I'm exhausted by the apathy and the general malaise that I face each morning when I wake up.  I'm exhausted by the sour grapes I have as I watch much BRAVER individuals pursue the lives and careers that bring them mirth.  I'm scared that I've missed my chance because I'm terrified that no one will take a chance on a 33 year old apathetic sour grape. I'm terrified that I've squandered what little talent I have through inaction.

So, yes, I'm the problem. Now, I just have to figure out how I become the solution. 

Comments

[a.]

I don't know if I have commented on this topic before BUT...at 33 years old I left the city after living there for many years, went back to school and started an entirely new career. I loved my old career but unfortunately post-9/11 I wasn't going to be able to find another like it after the company I worked for practically folded.

I think I am happier even though I had to essentially start over but now I make more money than I did before and without the hefty NYC rent.

Feel free to e-mail me if you want to talk about it! I can definitely speak from experience :-)

[Jessie]

Maybe this is the dumbest suggestion in the world, but get your thyroid tested. What I thought was existential exhaustion and low-grade depression was actually something that could be cured (well, at least helped!) with meds. And cheap thyroid ones too...

[.....]

you say fuck it and do what you want anyway. things work themselves out in the end. yes it is terrifying, yes people worry, but would you rather be unhappy with yourself or happy with the little you have. life is too short. quit your job, find something that pays you 40% less, but if it makes you happy, so what...

[Rachel`]

While I am hardly in the position to give advice in this department, a good question that someone asked me recently was, if there were no limits ($$, age, etc...) what would you do?

Or, how about, if you could start again, what would you do?

Thirty three is not too old to do something else, especially when you share expenses with someone.